A Participant's Story - James B

I joined the Army on my 18th Birthday, and over the last 25 years have served in the Infantry, Commando Artillery and more recently in the Defence Medical Services. Early in my career I deployed to Afghanistan on Operation Herrick 9. I came home deeply angry, and unable to “switch off” even outside of work. I tried to use my anger and frustration as powerful drivers, and to “crack on" with my career.

I drove myself through training as a military doctor and also through special forces selection. In the background my mental health was worsening. Unfortunately over the following decade I had several more significant traumatic experiences in service. It felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel while I worked through NHS winters in A&E, through Covid lockdowns, and through further military deployments. I became increasingly suicidal and in 2024 I hit my lowest point and almost killed myself. I told no-one at the time. Although I stepped back at the last moment, I came to realise that I was literally one more deployment away from suicide, and I could not go on like that.

I finally asked for medical help in 2025 and was diagnosed with Complex PTSD stemming originally from my Afghanistan experience but compounded by other subsequent trauma and decades of moral injury.

I am now off work, and partway through my treatment. Although many things have improved I feel a strong sense of loss of value, loss of identity and of mundanity. I went from an exciting role making life or death decisions on a daily basis, to essentially sitting at home staring at the wall waiting for my next medical appointment and unable to face seeing anyone from work. I am working through a programme of EMDR which is helping with the suicidal thoughts, but I am far from fixed and still struggle with worry about responsibility and trust.

In February 2026 I was fortunate enough to get a last-minute place on Ex Aurora Adventure, the 65 Degrees North cross country skiing expedition to Finland. I had never met the charity before and I wasn’t sure about going. I really struggle in interactions with military and ex-military people and because of this had not attended any other rehab courses. I am so glad I went. From day one the 65 Degrees team immediately put me at my ease and the atmosphere was very well judged.

They struck a great balance between giving me a feeling of safety, knowing that I wasn’t going to be put in an impossible medical situation to have to try and fix, whilst also offering me a sense of genuine challenge in -30C ski conditions. As the week progressed I was invited to share some of my medical perspectives, and to do some ski teaching (which I hadn’t done for 15 years). Throughout this I was well supported by the 65 Degrees team, and was also surrounded by a great group of other beneficiaries who absolutely “got it” from a mental health perspective.

The 65 Degrees expedition was the first time in over a year where I have felt valued without being under pressure, and where I could relax my guard but still find genuine challenge. I came back with some fresh perspectives, and I am eternally grateful to the charity for this opportunity and for providing the perfect environment for a small step towards recovery."